When I first joined the hospice program, I entered with hesitation. Explaining to people the kind of volunteer work I was going to be involved in always had the same response: “Isn’t that depressing? Why would you want to do that?” I was worried about how the program would affect me and if I could handle it. When I went to visit my first patient, Max, I tried to go with an open mind.
Immediately, I began to feel a connection with him, and I looked forward to our weekly meetings. We would talk about his childhood, eat ice cream together, and share some laughs. He expressed to me that he understood and felt his time was coming. I got an email a week later informing me that Max had passed away. Although I was initially hit with sadness, I remembered the pain that he was feeling towards the end of his life, and all of the good times that we had together up until that point. In a way, I felt relief knowing that his pain was removed and that I had done everything in my power to make the last bit of life as joyful and happy as possible for him. Max once told me that the best part of his week was when I came to visit, and knowing that I had a positive impact on him gave me peace.
Right before winter break, I had to leave campus unexpectedly because my best friend from home was dying. Going to chemotherapy and blood transfusions with her showed me how much she valued the relationship that she had with the nurses, who made a scary situation more comforting. She looked forward to seeing these nurses when she went because they made treatment as enjoyable as possible. However, as she passed next to me that night, I was filled with both sadness and anger. How could a 20 year old who was an amazing cross country runner at Connecticut College die from cancer? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I struggled with making sense of it, and coming back to campus for the second semester was a tremendous challenge. I remember the first hospice meeting after break, feeling like I was trapped in discussion about death and I was filled with fear. All I wanted to do was get up and leave. People advised me to stop volunteering and pick it up again in the fall. However, I was determined to stick with it, hoping it would help me to make meaning of my situation.
This program has pushed me more than I thought it would. I never thought that my experience would go the way that it did. My viewpoint on death has shifted and changed so much throughout my time volunteering. I am still trying to understand death and make meaning of it. My experience with Max, however, has helped me make sense of the more personal experiences I have had with death. I began to feel comfort in knowing that my friend was not suffering anymore, and I saw the positive impact that the nurses had on her. I appreciated their kind gestures and the comfort they brought to my friend while I couldn’t be there. Although it has been hard for me to make sense of death, I feel like the program has acted as an anchor for me. It has provided me with important lessons and pushes me to open my mind and look for meaning and peace. I plan to continue volunteering through this program until I graduate and to make death less scary and more understandable, both for others and myself.