My first patient, Jane, was the epitome of the beauty of life. Whether that is ironic or not, her demeanor, attitude, and behaviors reflected my own in my ways. I knew immediately that I would connect with Jane guaranteed by the most mundane things. Her dedication to her style, craftiness, music, kindness, and chatty personality were all attributes that I saw in myself and more importantly features of my own life that made it beautiful. When I started the program, I was nervous due to my privilege of having limited experience with death and loss. I was scared that I would react incorrectly or not be able to handle it at all and that those attitudes would reflect how I interacted with my patient. These fears were dispelled quickly once I met Jane. After my initial connection to her was established, I looked forward to hearing more and more of her stories every week. Despite having a long and difficult life, she held herself with such grace and virality which was incredibly inspiring. She shared stories of her childhood, high school, marriage, and motherhood without inhibition and continued to always see the positivity of life. While Jane was usually lucid, there were days when her memory would fail her and she would be having internal conflicts between her environment and her mental state. I associated that state with more of what I would need to prepare myself for, where the approach of death was observable. Even in those days, Jane was still herself, and the basic characteristics of kindness, style, and chattiness stood. Regardless of her state, seeing her became the highlight of my week. Jane ended up passing in her sleep on the night of my birthday this year. It shocked me as I had seen her just a few days prior fully conscious and ambulating and I felt I did not get to say goodbye to her. Despite that, I know Jane lived a rich life and passed peacefully and her spirit lives on in her children and the small messages she taught me.
This experience was extremely important to me for many reasons. I joined the program because I wanted to understand the end-of-life process to better serve patients in the future. I also wanted to get more comfortable with the concept of death as a whole as it is such a large part of medicine. In the process, I ended up learning much more. By getting to be part of Jane’s end of life experience, I have truly learned the value of hospice care. Building a connection with Jane, I realized how humanized medicine is as you can be involved with a person at any stage of their life. I felt it was important to understand and be comfortable with death however it is important to a much larger degree. Learning about the paternalistic intervention of medicine that prioritizes treatment over pursuing hospice options for terminal patients and the influence of that on providers and patients shifted my mindset about what my job as a physician would be. It would be to advocate for what is best for my patient physically and emotionally and I would only be able to do that if I had a deep understanding and respect for hospice. Being able to see Jane as herself even in moments of confusion showed what living and passing with grace looked like.