Before I started this program, I hadn’t given much thought to what the end of life is like. I didn’t like to think about death, and frankly, it’s because it scared me. In our culture, death is seen as the shutting of a door, an end to all things that we hold dearest, and something to avoid at all costs. Death is viewed as something gruesome and painful—tragic not only for the one dying, but for those left behind. But although we may not always be able to control how we die, we can change how we choose to acknowledge death. I can honestly say that this program has changed how I see death, and also, how I choose to lead my life.
A patient I visited, let’s call him John, really showed me that you don’t need to carry around the burdensome fear of mortality. John was in his 90s and living in a hospice care facility. He was bound to his wheelchair, but that in no way lessened his vivacity. When he talked about his life, he was filled with such passion and joy that it made not just us smile, but the other patients as well. Because of his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, he didn’t always know who we were, but he was always glad to have our company. John knew the state of his condition; he wasn’t in denial about his health and the fact that he was at the end of his life, but this didn’t seem to hinder the way he chose to live. It seemed to me that he didn’t let the approach of death burden him, stop him from dancing in his wheelchair to 70’s classics, or from chatting with the other patients. To be clear, the fact that John couldn’t remember where he was or walk or play baseball anymore wasn’t beautiful to me. Yes, it was a natural part of life, but it was still tragic. What I learned, however, was that though death is something inherently sad, we don’t need to live in fear of it. We should embrace the impermanence of our existence and use that as a reason to enjoy every second we get to live.
This program has also changed how I see myself making an impact in the world. Being a doctor has always seemed like the right career choice. I have always thought: what better way to spend my life than to help others to best live theirs? I still think this is true, but I now recognize the importance of a good death, as well. I now see that my role as a doctor would be to improve my patients’ quality of life. This may not always be providing someone with treatment. Sometimes, the best thing I would be able to do for a patient is to help that individual become as comfortable as possible so that he or she can spend the last months of life without pain and suffering.
This is exactly why I think this program is so valuable for those applying to medical school. It isn’t just a bullet point on a list of other “pre-med extra-curricular activities.” It is an experience that puts people in a situation that most haven’t been in before – caring for the sick and dying. It demands introspection regarding questions of life and death – questions that are vital for healthcare professionals to address. It taught me, as someone who wants to work in the area of healthcare, that trying every single treatment, no matter the consequences, in the pursuit of preventing death, may not always be the right answer. It taught me that how the patient views his or her life is what matters the most. These are things that I think every student entering medical school should understand. Above all, this experience has taught me that accepting the inevitability of death allows us to move past the fear that can cloud us from appreciating the true value of life.