The eyes are but a reflection. It warps our perception of the world and is the lens through which we perceive life. Likewise, when we look at a person, we are never certain of the stories that lie behind those eyes. Even when listening to a story, the eyes that may seem to convey a pool of emotion is only the tip of the iceberg of the true feelings and emotions a person feels.
One resident that I connected with reiterated an important lesson to me. When I first entered the room, I made small talk about how the weather was outside. He responded with the fact that the weather outside does not matter. Instead, all that matters is his room and the things in his room. He went on to tell me about how when he came to the hospital, he left behind everything outside these walls. He left behind his past and began a new life in this hospital. When he came to the hospital, he was given a book. He told me that this red book is all that is important to him now. In this book, he writes his current thoughts and feelings. For him, the present is all that is important. He then went on to tell me that as a young person he had very important advice he wanted to share with me. He told me that I should take it slow and live in the moment. He told me not to rush life and to enjoy the beauty of it. In subsequent meetings, I came to learn that he actually had dementia. Regardless of this, his feelings are genuine in the moment. Thus, it does not detract from the legitimacy of his advice. Even though he has dementia, his beliefs define his reality. Thus, it is our responsibility to listen to him and support him in navigating the ocean of his memories. Even if he himself does not recognize where he is, it is our job to simply listen to him and help him navigate the ocean of his past. Our job is to be there in the endless ocean with him.
Recently, when I sat with a dying veteran through the No Veteran Dies Alone program, I read to him and talked a bit to him during the night before he passed away. The entire time his one eye looked at me. Whether he was actually seeing me or hearing me, I have no idea. But it really reprised to me how even if people talk, we often times are only just seeing a projection of what they choose to portray and our own perceptions blur the truth. Even their own views of themselves are warped by their experiences and perceptions. Even when we see their eyes, we never truly know what they’re feeling and their experiences. Thus, the fact that I didn’t know whether he could actually see me or hear me while I talked to him really reiterates how often times we don’t truly know how people feel as sometimes people themselves don’t know how they feel. Throughout life, I feel that we’re on a journey to find ourselves and to give a sort of purpose to our existence. At the end-of-life, we question who we are and what legacy we left behind. We’re trying to find a sort of legitimacy to our existence. At the end-of-life, when we’re running out of time, we are forced to answer those questions. My hospice experience really restated the idea of living in the present and living to expand my views on the world.