Before I became an Ascend Hospice volunteer, I read the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. In the book, Dr. Gawande discusses how technological advances in medicine have completely changed the way we think about dying and well, the way we die. I was particularly moved by Dr. Gawande’s mention of the worsening of health due to isolation and dependence in nursing homes. While some hospice patients do have family members that visit, many patients are alone. Despite my reluctance to enter medicine after difficulty with my natural science classes, I knew I had to become a hospice volunteer after reading this book.
When I began volunteering, I did not see or feel the immense weight that comes with death, the weight I had read about. Moreover, I enjoyed visiting patients and interacting with those who were willing and able to. However, the more visits I had, the deeper a connection I formed with patients. I met their families. I got to know their stories. They moved me to be more thankful for my youth and physical and mental capacities. One of my patients would talk about her mother a lot. I’ll never forget when she told me to tell my mom I loved her because I still could. When I finally saw my mom for break, I gave her the best hug I could. Another patient would enter in and out of her dementia. Once, when she realized her mind had invented something, she looked at me sad and confused and said, “It’s awful not knowing where you’re going, where you are, or where you’ve been.”
Being a hospice volunteer gave me a glimpse into the dying process, a rather lonely but inevitable journey. After feeling this “weight,” the reflection meetings became more meaningful to me. I pondered how I could better help patients through this process. After two of my patients passed away, I became sad. I never got to say goodbye. I thought, “what do I wish I had done with them?” Consequently, I tried to talk with my remaining patients as much as possible, going above and beyond like moving them to a window to see outside, making sure to say goodbye each visit, and wishing them happy birthday.
The reflection resources also made me think about what I could learn and glean from volunteering and apply to my own personal journey. As I mentioned before, I have had difficulty with my natural science courses, causing me to doubt my ability to become a physician. Fortunately, volunteering not only made me feel good about being able to visit the less visited and helping someone through the process of dying, but it made me realize that I can become a doctor! Just as Dr. Sunita Puri became more comfortable with “…the notion that fighting death at all costs wasn’t the sole purpose of medicine,” I realized that there is more to medicine than having a knack for the natural sciences. Medicine is so much more than biology and chemistry. While scientific knowledge is important, medicine is also about caring for and comforting those that are suffering, not just through medication but through our presence, our words, and our listening.
I have the great pleasure of entering medical school as someone who understands the importance of accepting change and impermanence as laws of nature. When we accept this, we become better healthcare professionals and give our patients and their families a better, more meaningful end of life experience. I am confident I can do just this!