Beginning hospice, I was not sure what to expect. It seemed like an experience that would be good for a medical school application and for my future as a physician, since many students do not get the opportunity to see how a patient may die in their care. I am sure that it would have been strange to be with an elderly person in their last few weeks of life because I, personally, have not experienced the death of a loved one, and I was not sure what to expect when someone I did not know well died. I thought that it would not phase me as much as it did, but it turns out that the experiences I have had are ones that cannot go without reflection.
My first patient was located at a care facility in Doylestown, PA. I could tell that it was a very clean and well-kept facility. I thought that the elderly people within it would be content with being there. My patient was on the lower level, and the first time I met her, I realized that being in a facility like this one does not guarantee happiness. It was hard to communicate with her, but over time it became easier. She complimented me, always wanted me to hold her hand, and did other little things that made it seem like I was the highlight of her week. Then, on one weekend visit, I arrived too late to see her, as her husband was already in her room, like I was told he always was late on Sunday. The next weekend I had received word that she had passed away.
What was strange about this was that I had the feeling that if I did not see my patient that day, then I would never see her again. It may have been that her death came so suddenly that I just had to accept that I made the mistake of missing her that day. After my patient died, I was sent to take care of others. However, I could never get that one experience out of my my mind. It made me gain a new appreciation for the patients I have now, but I always carried that first experience with me. While I could not communicate with my new patients as well as I did with my one at Daylesford, the shock of her death was still lingering on with me, so I knew that I had to make the most of my time with all of them.
I believe that hospice was supposed to teach me that death is common in the medical practice, and that physicians, nurses, and other health professionals cannot overcome every illness. I believe that it has taught me more than this. Like I said, I had never experienced the death of someone I knew well before, and even then I still did not know my patient like family. This experience made me see that the death of anyone can make it seem that death is sudden, inexplicable, unfair, a release, etc. It could mean different things to us as we, as future health professionals, deal with the loss of our patients. It also shows how each moment we place them in our care can be valuable for their lives, or their anticipation of the end.