I did not know what to expect during my first visit with Jan. I was not only nervous about meeting someone new and about the possibility that Jan would not want me to visit, but I was also uncomfortable with the possible conversations about life and death that would ensue. My relationship with Jan began as tentative with a certain hesitance from both of us. During the visits, I began to recognize certain things that would make her feel comfortable opening up to me.
For one, Jan loved to move. During my first few visits, we would go on walks together and conversation started to pour out of her; her favorite topic was about her daughter as a young girl. As weeks went on and her health began to deteriorate, I would wheel Jan around in her wheelchair to mimic the walking, but I could tell she did not like the wheelchair, since she would constantly try to force her way out of it to stand up. This really saddened me, and I would try to find new ways to make her happy. Even with her Alzheimer’s, Jan maintained an infectious positivity. One of the most rewarding things was when I managed to make her laugh because I really felt like I was making a positive impact on her last few months on this earth. The visits to hospice have become one of the brightest parts of my week because I felt like my time really mattered.
Throughout this program, my outlook on aging and death has drastically changed. Aging is a long, slow process, but eventually we begin to accept the things we cannot change. Why is it that we make such a big deal about dying? Billions have done the inevitable before us. Dying is like the culmination and final chapter of a fulfilled life, and we should not focus on death itself, but rather the quality of death. I have learned to live more in the moment and appreciate my years of health and youth, because I now see how both are such a privilege that quickly pass us by.
This experience has been extremely valuable for me as an aspiring physician as well. I feel that too often, physicians see death as a failure and will put patients through unnecessary suffering to avoid the inevitable. From this experience, I have learned that someone’s quality of death is just as important as their quality of life, and people should not be given false hope of survival. They deserve an honest diagnosis and timeline so that they and their loved ones can mentally and physically prepare. I have learned to grow comfortable with talking about death.
Hospice has also really altered my view of the elderly. I never thought of my grandparents as once being young people, and I never thought about how aging has affected them psychologically. I have a new outlook on the elderly and a new respect for them. When I practice medicine, I will carry with me the lessons I have learned and use this knowledge to provide the highest quality of care, especially to those who are nearing the end of their life.