The first time I walked into Carol’s room, I had no idea what to expect, I was filled with nervous fear, not only of meeting someone new, but also of knowing that this person was close to the end of their life. How would I be able to build a connection with someone, knowing that soon they would leave? I was afraid of death and loss.
After several months of weekly visits, to my surprise, Carol started to remember me and even remember things about my life. She could not remember my name, but she would ask me about school and my life. We had many conversations and I learned a lot about Carol and her childhood and life. I started to feel like I was doing something to help. I think she often had nobody to talk to, and she would ask when I was coming back when I left at the end of our visits. I began to look forward to visiting and having these conversations.
Over the course of the program, I really grew and evolved, especially with regards to my ideas about death and dying. Before this experience I had never really thought about death deeply. I was afraid of the idea of death and dying and had only minimal experience with it. Therefore, when I was forced to interact with the idea of death, I thought of it as something ugly that sound be avoided at all costs. In our society death is often regarded as something that is inherently bad, scary, and sad. And while death does have many scary and sad aspects to it, there is the possibility of finding the good and beauty in the process of death.
A “good death” is a term I heard for the first time in volunteering for Holisitcare Hospice. A good death involves acceptance. A good death involves planning. A good death involves connection. A good death involves comfort. A good death is not only concerned with the moment of death, but the entire process of dying. I think that the aim of hospice is to provide a good death to people. I feel like through this experience I was able to see the importance of a good death. I was able to finally see the importance of comfort, connection, and acceptance through the building of my relationship with Carol. It allowed me to experience death in a different capacity and I felt as though I was able to aid in creating a good death. I’m incredibly grateful to have had this experience, because not only will it stay with me for the rest of my life, but because I think it will be helpful with regards to my professional aspirations.
I want to be a doctor. Doctors are trained in life. Doctors learn how to keep a person alive, how to save person’s life. For this reason, many doctors feel discomfort with the idea of death. Many will push for patients to go through painful treatment that leaves patients spending the end of their lives in discomfort and end up dying in a hospital bed. Through this experience, I learned that death will happen. A doctor’s job is not only to do things to save a life, but also to listen. Being a good physician is about knowing when to be silent and listen and pause. Sometimes the doctor should let the patient lead the way and learning what the patient’s priorities are at the end of life. A doctor should try to ensure these priorities are met, especially at the end of life. I think through this experience I received a sort of “training in a good death,” which is an essential part of being a good physician.